Dealing With Miscarriage: Help Your Marriage Survive The Loss

Miscarriage can be devastating for both expectant parents and depression can often follow. You may find it difficult to move forward after suffering the sudden loss of a pregnancy, but there are some things you can do to make sure that your marriage stays strong during the trial.

1. Don't assign blame.

After tragedy, it's common for people to look for an explanation to make sense of heartbreak. Usually, this means pointing to a specific situation or cause. However, doctors often do not know what causes miscarriage, and it is nearly impossible to know the cause. Husbands may blame wives -- or wives may blame husbands -- when there is really no fault in the situation. Even though you might be tempted to say, "If only you had done this" or "If only you didn't do that," keep the words to yourself, or express them to a family counselor instead of pointing them at your spouse. 

2. Know that your spouse is also grieving.

The mother who was carrying the unborn child feels the loss profoundly, and she is the one who deals with the medical implications of pregnancy loss. However, expectant spouses share in the grief of the loss and can be just as emotionally distraught after miscarriage. It's important that you refrain from assuming that your partner does not know what you are going through. Both people in the relationship lost a baby, and each person will deal with grief differently. 

3. Seek counseling for approaching intimacy. 

Often, couples might feel guilty or depressed, which can lead to uncertainly and loss of interest in physical intimacy. If you are struggling with sexual expression following the loss of a pregnancy, consider speaking with your doctor and with a mental health counselor. It may take some coached exercises, like easing into intimate activities gradually or spending more time growing closer emotionally, before a couple is ready to resume a full sexual relationship.

4. Don't rush moving on.

If you are less affected than your spouse about the loss, you may struggle with their prolonged grieving period. Instead of never mentioning your unborn baby or trying to force things to go back to the way they were, allow your spouse to be vulnerable to you by accepting his or her feelings and discussing them. Personalizing your unborn child by giving him or her a name and discussing the future that would have been can also sometimes be cathartic for couples. 

For more help, seek the guidance of a family therapist like Andover Counseling Center.